Is it My Kid or the System?

Recently I had the opportunity to coordinate and attend a conference on mental health and post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). It was friggin’ awesome.

I had access to incredible people, their experience, education and knowledge.  Over drinks, a group of us got chatting about our kids.  The conversation quickly turned into how each of us had a “different” kid.  We joked about the heartache of having a “headcase” kid.  We all shared our stories of repeatedly meeting or talking with the teachers about how our “Johnny” just didn’t fit in.  The shitty report cards, the shame of having one kid who gets A+’s and the other kid who’s barely passing.

They don’t do their homework, they’re disruptive, and yada, yada, yada, it really is exhausting.  Hearing every Mom share the same story, made me think ‘whaaaaaaaaaat!’ There are more kids like mine? There are other Mom’s suffering and blaming themselves?  The teacher’s comments of  “I just don’t know what to do with your kid” was a common theme.  “Wait a second!” I thought.  Maybe, just maybe it’s not my kid that doesn’t fit.  Maybe just maybe it’s the system who doesn’t fit my kid.

My son is a great kid.  His teacher is a good person who is kind to him.  She is bound by the stressor of completing cookie cutter report cards and repeatedly calling me to tell me bad news.  That’s not fun for her or me. She says “I know he’s smart, but I can’t put it on the report card because he doesn’t do the required and standard testing”.  I thought, “wait, back up here.  You say he’s smart, but he doesn’t like the “required” testing, can we not change how we test him to reflect that?”

When I was 18 I got a job at McDonald’s, I was put on drive thru, and I sucked, a lot. I didn’t meet the deadlines, I didn’t use the computer right.  Did I want to stay and pursue a career at McDonalds?  NO.  Why would I subject myself to low self esteem and hating my job when there are hundreds, thousands of other jobs that I could and did do better at?

The public school system is great.  For some kids.  My daughter does great at it, but many components of it are not agreeing with my son. Is it the teacher’s fault? Is it the schools fault? Is it his fault?  No, I don’t think so. Blaming anyone isn’t going to solve anything.  Everyone is doing the best they can with what resources they have. How is the teacher supposed to offer alternative ideas if she doesn’t know of any?  How can she offer an alternative plan for one kid when she has 25 others to worry about.  What training and support is in place for teachers and educators to teach a class of 25 -30 kids when some of those kids struggle with mental health? I know there are independent education plans (IEP), I know there are some extra resources available, but I don’t think there’s enough.

It comes down to budget, education, awareness and change.  As parents we have to decide if we force our kids to conform, or if we choose alternative methods, like montessori or  homeschooling.  There are choices out there, there are other educators for my son, but can I find the courage to be “different”? By choosing the alternatives I’m truly acknowledging that my son is different, and that comes back to me and my fear.  So many schools say they don’t have the budget to offer more, but isn’t the return on investment HUGE? We as a society have to push back a bit.  We have to go to the schools and advocate on behalf of our kids.  By investing in training and solutions you will cut down on resources, time and energy.  It just makes business and moral sense to offer my kid and the many others like him “out of the box” training.

Chatting with those Mom’s was so empowering, but the real power came from the psychiatrist who was with us and the chair of the conference. Dr Rakesh Jetly, who’s also a Colonel with the Canadian Forces would give Mark Twain a run for his money.  He’s brilliant, pragmatic, educated, experienced and most importantly, a parent.

He told us about his daughter who also doesn’t “fit the mould”, but is exceptionally brilliant and sensitive. He said “Michelle, pull back.  Think of the big picture.  Focus on the long game. Will your son’s grade 3 second term report card matter in 15 years?” Creative thinkers, ADHD, ADD, anxiety; all these diagnoses are increasing.  I don’t think the incidence of them is actually increasing, I think they’ve always been around.  Our society is now just able to diagnose it and give them a language. Just like depression has always existed, except instead of self medication with alcoholism we now prescribe anti depressants.   Our society is in a revolution, we are more aware, and more educated when it comes to mental health, but we still have a long way to go.  My son does act out in class and he is disruptive, and that must really suck when you are trying to operate a classroom, but I think the focus needs to shift to why.  Why is he disruptive? Why does he struggle with self regulation?  We are working on figuring it out, but I’m pretty sure I know the answer.  He is scared.  I don’t think he chooses to be a pain in the ass.  He’s afraid of failure.  He is terrified about what others think.  My boy needs confidence.  He needs to believe in himself, but how can he gain confidence when he continues to fail?  I love quick fixes, I’m impatient.  I want an easy answer.  I want a magical solution to give my boy confidence. Mental health is a journey.  Our brains our complex and a child’s is no different.

So what am I doing about it?  I’m surrounding myself with like minded individuals, and I’m trying to focus on what is great and good with my son.  I want to give him and the people around him the best tools and strategies possible to a less stressful life. An 8 yr old shouldn’t have that much stress in his life, he’s got adulthood and parenting waiting for him.  We are working on helping him believe in himself, to increase his confidence.  Resiliency training is truly effective. I learned about the  “The Big Four”.  This strategy is used by the military, navy seals and high performing athletes.  My son and I read them together and now the whole family is working to apply them.

Among many of the amazing speakers, was Jean Marc Mackenzie of Morneau Shepell, he also works in sports psychology.  He said “coach the person not the player”.   Focus on that individual and what makes them tick.  It’s complicated and simple all at the same time. We can do better.

So to go back to the title of this blog; is it my kid or is it the system?  I think it’s both.  I think kids are changing and so is the system.   I just wish the system would change faster.  As I’ve learned working in the corporate world, a lot of meetings, sub committees, action ideas, roundtables, minutes and a lot of time consuming unproductive talks need to happen before the “system” officially changes. There’s more where that came from.  Stay tuned for a blog on “company meetings, meeting minutes, committees, sub committees, agendas and what we talked about and didn’t do and probably never will do” set to be released in 2015.

I recently watched Bill Burr’s comedy special which is belly hurt hilarious by the way. He did this bit about racism and old people, and it really comes back to one of my favourite statements: “We don’t know what we don’t know“. If we don’t understand how someone thinks, how can we expect to understand how they will react?  Racism was once normal, but so was giving kids the strap in school who didn’t listen. Damn me and my kid woulda had a really red ass.  Keep your stick on the ice and stay positive.  Don’t sweat the small stuff and don’t worry Michelle, your boy is gonna be just fine.

Education=awareness=change

MF