Dear Stressed Out Mom: You’re NOT Alone & It’s NOT Your Fault

I watched from the bench while my son refused to listen to anything his hockey coaches were saying.  He was in his own land.  He was in his own world doing hockey practice “HIS WAY”.  I always say to him after every practice, “You have to listen! You have to follow the drills and do what your coaches tell you to do!” And his reply is always the same “BUT I ALREADY KNOW ALLL OF THAT!”

In my mind I say ohhh yea do you ever!  My son is passionate.  He is “spirited”.  He is independent and he is a terrible listener.  Sound familiar?  As a matter of fact I’m pretty sure my Mother is cackling with glee right now. She reminds me whenever possible that I am raising myself.  Oh Karma, how kind you are.  Here’s the thing though, I can parent my son’s “spirited” behaviour much better now than I could before, because now I’m a relatively seasoned Mom.

Mirror mirror on the wall can you tell these two spirited heads apart?

I’m constantly talking to new Moms who were once me; sensitive, over analytical and constantly worried their child is disrupting someone’s plan & life.  One Mom turned to me while at a get together with her two year old squirming on her lap and said, “It gets hard when they can walk doesn’t it?” I said “YEP”.  She said “It seems like most kids just SIT quietly in their Mom’s laps”.  I smiled at her and said, “You’re not doing anything wrong.  You’re not making poor parenting choices. You’re not feeding him the wrong food or letting him nap too early or too late, it’s just his personality.  Some kids sit quietly on laps, some don’t.” She looked so relieved.  She said, “Why has no one else ever said that?”

I have three kids.  They live in the same house with the same rules.  THEY ARE ALL DIFFERENT.  I had one lap sitter and two non lap sitters.  Honestly I don’t think parents are worried if their child will sit quietly on their lap or if their child is colouring out of the lines, or if they listen during hockey practice.  I think most parents, including myself, are worried about what other parents, teachers and coaches think about them as parents. Fear of judgement makes us paranoid parents.

The moment I gave birth I entered a new phase of sensitivity.  If anyone said anything, I assumed it was a shot at my parenting. “Oh you let her stay up that late? Oh you feed her THOSE cookies? She should have a hat on!  EVERYONE HAS AN OPINION!  Most often, people are making conversation or genuinely trying to be helpful, but some are judgmental jerks.

Sometimes I think my son’s hockey coaches and teachers must get in a room and say, that kid of Michelle’s is wild.  Ughh she must be a terrible parent. Then I hang out with other kids and other parents and quickly realize I’m not alone.  There are lots of kids like mine.  Those hockey coaches and teachers have a lot better things to do than talk about me, my kid or my parenting.  If they don’t, well I have a lot better things to do than worry about what people think of me and my parenting. Kids will be kids. Sometimes they have great days and sometimes they are just down right bitchy.  Guess what, adults aren’t that different.  Some adults and kids get into trouble by the boss more often than others (says me;).  You are not doing anything wrong.

Every time I see a Mom or Dad in public with a child having a meltdown, I make sure I give them a look of understanding NOT judgement.  Because let me tell you something, if you think your child is better than someone else’s you are wrong.  If you think your unborn children will never act that way, you are wrong.

I have always said the moment my children were born you could tell what their personality was.  I like to be in control, it’s my personality.  It’s a big challenge for me not to control my children’s every move and thought.  One Mom said to me, “Sometimes I feel really guilty because I think this is so hard.  It is exhausting!”  When I turned to her and said EVERY parent feels like that, she looked astonished.  She said, “Really?!”  I said, “Really!” If a parent tells you it’s peaches and rainbows 24 hours a day they’re not being honest.  I said find some parents who parent like you.  YOU ARE NOT ALONE!  There are so many great sites and mommy bloggers out there who have changed the face of parenting with their openness and honesty about raising kids. My husband and I have our own coping mechanisms,  our favourite is laughter.

Yesterday my “spirited” son and I were jogging (spirited kids have A LOT OF ENERGY) and we came to a path where a man was walking his dog.  Marcello had earphones in and was listening to music.  The man stopped to let us pass and was clearly trying to discreetly smoke.  Marcello yells in his high pitched voice (because he has ear phones on) “IT STINKS LIKE CIGARETTES!! MAWWWMMMM CAN YOU SMELL THAT!?? IT SMELLS LIKE CIGARETTES”.  It was all I could do to keep a straight face while I turned to him and made the shhh gesture with my finger.

I just watched ET (my favourite movie ever) with my kids and I couldn’t help but laugh at the 80’s parenting.  Kids gone from morning till night, no bicycle helmets, calling each other penis breath and leaving your five year old at home alone while you go pick up your son who faked his temperature by sticking a thermometer under a lamp.

We need more 80’s and less judging. You’re doing great, your children are perfectly imperfect just like mine.

“I’ve never felt more love and anger for anyone more than I do for my kids”

MF