I Never Thought This Day Would Come

The message came to me while I was getting dinner ready: “He’s getting the self regulation award”.

Each term my kids’ school celebrates and acknowledges students who have shown growth and improvement in certain areas. Every month a student or students from each grade are chosen to receive the award.

Yes my kids have won awards before, but NEVER for self regulation. 

You see the child that the teacher was messaging me about has been on a bumpy road to put it mildly. 

He’s the reason I walked away from my job and started working for myself. I was spending hours and hours on the phone with teachers, doctors and principals to deal with the disruptive and volatile behaviour that was anything but self regulated. 

How did we get here? How was he winning an award for the virtue he struggles with the most? 

I think the ingredients were all there but it took time for the cake to bake. 

My son has anxiety. He doesn’t take medication and I would say he’s on the medium to high end of the spectrum. From an outsider’s perspective you would never know he struggles, but if you ever saw one of his HULK meltdowns you may think hmmmmm. 

Anxious kids often present as disruptive and reluctant to follow instruction. 

My son did and does. Trying anything new for an anxious kid is like asking someone who’s afraid of heights to work on a skyscraper or like expecting your dog to wipe their paws before they come inside.

They don’t know how, and they don’t want to do it. 

Their child brain doesn’t have the skills or development to tell you they are afraid. They just know they don’t want to do it so they often act out and consequently struggle with self regulation. 

My son still has anxiety, but his struggle with self regulation has really dwindled, but how and why? 

Here’s my theory: 

Patience 

Consistency & Routine

Perseverance

A Great Teacher 

A Great Principal

Mental Development & Maturity

When my son turned nine something happened with his development. He can communicate his feelings better. His principal and teacher are giving him tools like mindfulness and meditation that let him know he can control his behaviour.  His teacher believes in him and teaches the child not the behaviour. 

Thank you to Ms. Benninger (left- Principal),  Mrs Driscoll (right-Teacher) and the entire school community.  Everyone deserves the credit on such a big achievement, especially that boy in the middle;)

He still struggles, but I know he has so much more control than he once did. Just a while back  we were going to Laser Tag and he did NOT want to go. He wouldn’t say why but l knew it was new and scary for him. I got him in the building and continued to use words and phrases like, “I would never put you in an unsafe position. If you really don’t like it once we start you can leave anytime. I will be with you and you will be safe”.

He was still super hesitant but didn’t have a melt down. We kind of just moved with the people and he had to follow. I call it positive peer pressure. If all those people are that excited to try it, it must be alright, and I think he doesn’t want to deal with the perceived social shame of having a fit.

He went in and of course he loved it, but even six months ago I don’t think he would have gone in. I think he would have had a melt down. 

After the game was finished and we were driving home I said, “I want you to remember how you’re feeling right now.  Next time you are hesitant to try something new, I want you to think about this moment.  You feel happy that you did it don’t you?” He nodded.

The upside of having an anxious child is their incredible sense of empathy. They are feelers. They are aware. They are sensitive and they can definitely surprise you by winning a self regulation award.  

 MF