Should We REWARD Our Kids For Doing Something They Don’t Want to Do?

Should we reward our kids for doing something they don’t want to do?

Even writing that sentence, the answer seems obvious: NO. 

The logical, black and white part of me says, “Suck it up buttercup, we all have to do things we don’t want.  It’s called life.”

But like all parenting issues, it isn’t always black and white, it’s muddy grey with dark cloudy swirls on a good day!

I’m the first to admit that when my kids complain about doing household chores, I say, “DO IT!”

“I know you don’t want to do it!  NEITHER DO I!  But we all live in this house and we work together to get it done”.

BUT, I do often offer an incentive to do chores.  Whether it’s screen time, a treat like dessert,  or me jumping on the trampoline with them, there’s usually some kind of “carrot” dangling that motivates them to finish the given chore(s) faster, and without whining.

It made me think, am I a hypocrite?  Am I saying I don’t believe in rewards but I do offer incentives? Is there a difference between the two? Oddly enough (she says sarcastically) there’s a TON of information on reward versus incentive on the internet, but most of the information is from a management in the workplace perspective (which let’s be honest, is exactly what parents are anyway: employers!)

This quote was taken from www.differencebetween.com

What is the difference between Incentive and Reward?

Despite their similarities in motivating and encouraging workers to achieve better levels of performance, there are a number of differences between the two. The main difference lies in the timelines in which each is offered. A reward is offered after the job is completed and after the employee proves his worth. An incentive is offered beforehand and is aimed at improving performance of employees who are not meeting expected standards or established goals.

While rewards are benefits given to employees that are currently performing well, incentives are given to employees whose performance is not up to par. An incentive is an encouragement to perform better and once the employee meets the expected goals the incentive becomes a reward in which the employee gets the promised benefit. There are a number of major benefits of both rewards and incentives. In terms of the employee, the morale, motivation, and job satisfaction increase, resulting in a positive work environment. Employers, on the other hand, can benefit from improved efficiency and productivity, which can translate to higher profitability.

It seems I may have had my lingo flipped, I think I offer more rewards than incentives in my parenting strategies.

I was recently having a parenting woe so I went to my readers, who are totally awesome and great at giving useful and constructive advice.  I asked them about a dilemma I was dealing with: My kids realllllly don’t like camp, but I wanted them in for a least one week this summer for everyone’s sanity.  I work from home, so having three kids home all summer with no camp often means I am up till two or three in the morning getting my work done. I was toying with offering a reward: A visit to the dollar store at the end of the week if they didn’t whine or cry about camp. I asked your opinion and I got some amazing feedback and great insight.  Take a look at this video (2:32) and then check out the comments (just click on the comment icon to read them):

I loved Ashley Sanderson’s comment.  She was right, I needed to change how I talked about camp with them.  I needed to not feed the negative. I had to flip their outlook and mine too to a positive! So often in parenting, we know the answer but we need reminding.   I also read my kids some of the comments and honestly they listened.  They didn’t end up getting a reward, but they did get fun lunches everyday. They stopped whining after the second day (after I clearly stated this discussion is over, you are going!) and you know what, I even think they had fun at camp;)

Every kid is different and for some, rewards and incentives are critical to their success.  I have one kid (9yrs) who lacks confidence, so incentives (encouragement along the way) works great!  I have one kid (7yrs) who needs a reward at the end of a task to really amp up his drive and do an extra great job and I have one (12yrs) who knows and understands that hard work pays off.

Age and stage are big factors too.  Teaching your kids to work hard and feel good about themselves as a reward is tough but so important.  I often do that with tasks.  For example my one son, who is anxious and nervous is super reluctant to try anything new.  His reward is the feeling he gets after he finishes it.  I look at him and say, “I know you know you could do that, I’m really glad you did, I bet you are too”.  Self gratification is the best reward going!

Thanks to all the parents out there who commented and shared my struggle.  You are awesome!  Truly, we are all awesome.  We sometimes get caught up in what seems like the biggest deal, and soon enough some other issue comes up and you think, “Why was I stressing about that? This is a way bigger deal!” Until the next thing comes along and etc etc etc.  The lesson I need reminding about is: Chill.  Love your kids, they grow up fast and surround yourself with other parents who parent like you or better yet, inspire you to be a better parent!

MF