I turned to my husband and said, “Is he asleep?”
Indeed he was.
Our middle son, on the night before back to school, had effortlessly fallen asleep.
This is new.
This is awesome.
Down the hall in the next bedroom, his younger brother was not feeling so calm at the idea of going back to school.
Back to school and school in general has not been a positive topic for two of my three kids. BUT it appears there is a light at the end of the tunnel, because the one who struggled the most, shocked us this year. He was up and out the door without one complaint. He was actually excited. He packed his lunch, he let me take his picture!! He was ready for grade five!
SO WHAT HAPPENED????
I think a few things happened, but the bottom line is two key factors:
PATIENCE AND CONSISTENCY.
Sounds simple but it’s not. Let me lay the cards on the table here: I LEFT MY JOB BECAUSE MY SON WAS SO MISERABLE IN SCHOOL! It was hell on a good day. The constant phone calls from the teacher about a “bad day”, the tears, the anger, ripping his car seat out of the car while I tried to pull him out. The running after the car while I drove away crying and riddled with guilt that I was the crappiest Mom ever.
When I look back and analyze it, I also remember how miserable I was. I wasn’t content in my job because I felt like I had zero control over my work life balance. I felt constantly guilty. For anxious and sensitive kids that energy is easily transferred. I suggest you look at your own self, your own happiness and assess. If you need some self care, do it. I always tell me son, boy I thank you for giving me the career of my dreams. I walked away from my job to be more accessible to you and it lead me to all the right places. I was more present, and my words meant more. “I am here for you”, means a whole lot more when you’re actually physically present. I’m not suggesting every Mom quit her job and be available 24/7 for their children, I’m saying find your peace and balance. Happy energy will transfer to those who pick it up so easily.
A few other major things happened that I think have helped tremendously with his ability to manage his anxiety.
A phenomenal teacher and principal last year.
They believed in him and boosted his confidence. Confidence is everything for an anxious kid. Anxious kids AND anxious adults are bound by the fear of failure so they won’t try anything new. They really hate transition, BUT if they know they can do it, the fear of failure is not an issue and so, it’s not scary! My son’s writing and reading really improved in the last year and his math skills are impressive which equals confidence walking into an environment that is ruled by academics.
Age.
Do not underestimate cognitive development. It’s a like a baby trying to reach for something when she has no motor skills. She gets frustrated. An anxious and sensitive child does not know how to communicate their feelings of fear. They don’t know how to express their feelings because it’s all they know. We really try to validate our kids feelings and I think it truly helps. Telling our son, “It’s OK to feel afraid, there is no shame in that!” helps him feel validated. Telling a kid who is anxious to, “JUST DO IT AND DON’T WORRY ABOUT IT” is counterproductive. In my experience, it completely backfires. Our anxious kid will be 10 this winter and I truly believe this past year has been a cognitive milestone for him and his development.
SUPPORT.
It’s easy for me to write these suggestions calmly and logically, but when you’re in the thick of it and you’re late for work and your kid is having a meltdown because he DOESN’T LIKE HOW HIS SOCKS FEEL, having patience is not easy. It’s friggin’ hard, really hard. There have been many days when I’ve turned to my husband and said, “I’m tapping out or I’m gonna do or say something I regret”. And yes there have been many days when I have said and done something I regret. That’s parenting.
It’s not easy, but I hope this blog gives you hope that there is a light at the end of the tunnel for your anxious child. I can tell you that my anxious kid is also my most responsible and caring child. They are special creatures who need a bit more nurturing.
So back to the anxiety about school issue. What helps when every day and every night is a struggle?
Wine.
Just kidding, sort of.
Try redirection. Plan something for after school that they have to look forward to (screen time, sports, something they love). In fact any event or something to look forward to really helps. My son LOVES hockey, so knowing he has a game or practice is great. Put it on a calendar where they can see it. Pack a special snack in their lunch. Reassure them. One of the best things I ever said to my son was, “I would never put you in a dangerous situation, I have too much invested in you. I made you from scratch and it is my JOB to keep you safe.” That was validation for him. I also talked constantly to the teacher and school about strategies and what was working and what wasn’t working. Don’t give a kid with anxiety too much homework. It was my son’s teacher last year who said to me, “Michelle if the spelling tests stress him out so much, then let’s aim for half the words!” At first I was like “NO!! That will just give him permission to not try his hardest!” But what I misunderstood is that his hardest and my hardest are very different. I don’t have anxiety and I can’t expect him to think and act like me. I needed to change my expectations and follow his lead, but still give a positive push to try new things.
For the real young kids that have separation anxiety I suggest getting away from them early in the morning. I used to drop my kids off at my sister’s where my nieces would get on the bus with them. My son would have a 10 minute melt down after I dropped him off but settled by the time he got to school, so he wasn’t disruptive.
Sleep is really important too, but for us it was a catch 22 because he was so anxious he wouldn’t go to sleep. Melatonin was a life saver. It allowed him to get the sleep his body needed. DID I MENTION HE DOESN’T TAKE MELATONIN ANYMORE EITHER!!!! HE JUST FALLS ASLEEP!
I wanted to know your tips and tricks on dealing with your anxious kids. A few of you commented on a video I posted this morning. Here it is!
Tammy Leblond also sent me this message about what works for her son:
Meet the teacher before school starts! Even knowing who he/she is seems to help! We do lots of rehearsal/ role playing for how to handle the worries. Funny enough, one of our biggest struggles was what to wear. With uniforms, that takes that worry away. For lip lickers, keep Aveeno cream close by and reapply often. Pray!
Please feel free to leave a comment on my Facebook or in the comment section to help other parents. We are all in this together. Let’s not judge, let’s just offer support and help!
Good luck, you’ve got this.
MF
