“CLEAN YOUR ROOM.
PUT YOUR BOOTS AWAY.
GET TO BED.
NOT NOW, I’M BUSY!”
That is what stressed out Michelle Ferreri sounds like when she’s barking at her kids. She is the Mom I detest. I’m an excitable person with high energy, but I’m also calm and logical. When my first child was born, I was pretty proud to learn I had the makings to be a good Mom. I listen well. I’m educated and I explained things so she understood why I expected certain things from her. I tried to give reasons for my rules. “You can’t have that piece of candy right now. Your tummy and body needs healthy food first. Then we can have some sweets.”
While I was on maternity leave, I learned that I LOVE being a Mom. I love having fun, engaging with my kids and rediscovering first experiences through their innocent eyes. I love being a leader to the people who need me the most.
Then life started to happen. Fast forward five years and I was a Mom of three beautiful healthy kids. I was working full time while trying to run a household. My patience slowly and surely escaped my hands like sand. I would feel my temper rise when my kids wouldn’t listen. We moved three times and renovated an entire house from top to bottom while living in it. The barking Mom was around more and more.
I decided to take a leave of absence from my TV host/producer job. I didn’t make enough money to balance out the workload. If I was going to work the way I was, and the hours I did, I needed a live in Nanny. I needed to focus on my kids for the little amount of time I was home, not stress about the laundry, the cleaning, the cooking, and the household duties.
The leave of absence was glorious. My kids and I had an amazing time and my husband was happier. I was home full time, which meant the pressure of him having to step up and share the load of maintaining the home was lifted. Both parents can’t be that stressed without it having a negative impact on the kids. The calm, engaged and reasonable Mom poked her head out again and I saw a big improvement in my kids’ behaviour and listening skills. I missed the people I worked with, but I knew I couldn’t go back to the hours and demands of live television. I also knew I wanted to work out of the home.
A new opportunity presented itself. A job with a respected company and a boss who I really admired. After a summer home with the kids, I started a new full time job. I jumped in with both feet and loved the new challenges. I worked for a company that specialized in aviation and emergency management training. It was an incredible opportunity. New relationships, travel, and experience into the inner workings of the corporate world. It was good, but something bad was happening. The barking Mom was slowly surfacing again. I was working a lot. I’m a great multi-tasker, but we all have our limits. When my body was home with the kids, my mind was worried about deadlines, and outstanding projects. My time with the kids’ homework slipped, my husband had to step up and stretch his precious time even thinner. Who was winning? Not me. Not my kids and not my self employed husband. My middle child was struggling and was miserable. I spent hours on the phone with the teacher. He was defiant, anxious and stressed out. He was picking up on my energy. I was right back where I was only months ago. I love working. I love interacting with people but I love my kids more.
Oprah Winfrey said “You can have it all, just not all at once.” I truly understand what she meant. Being a Mother should never stop you from achieving anything. In fact it should provide you with the strength and clarity to know what you can and can’t do at once. I knew what my priority was and will always be, my family. I made a tough decision and I took the leap. I walked away from my job.
I’m home now, blogging (thanks for reading) and working from home helping businesses with social media consulting and business development strategies. Most importantly, I’m home when my kids get off the bus. I’m mentally here for them. I’m present, both physically and mentally.
My kittens and I enjoying life
My son who was struggling so much, was a new kid within two days. TWO DAYS. I realized, I’m the thermostat for this home. My mood and stress level sets the tone for everyone who lives with me. When my relationship with my kids or my husband is rocky, everyone suffers. Patience comes from self awareness and accepting your limitations, accepting what truly matters. Accepting that you’re not a failure for not being the best at everything. I am so grateful for the opportunities I’ve been given. My struggles make me a better Mom. Showing my kids that I know how they feel, that I know what it’s like to be sad and stressed builds the trust we need in our relationship.
I’m not saying every day is rosebuds and rainbows. I still lose my shit on my kids when they don’t listen, but it’s more often for the right reasons. Parenting means you have to drop the hammer sometimes. We are not our kids’ friends. We are their parents. It’s a full time job. It’s an important job. I still think many Moms are able to work full time and be the Mom they want to be. I see many women do it. My point is, you need to be happy in whatever you are doing to be the parent you want to be. It’s not about the quantity of time you spend with your kids, it’s about the quality. The quality for me was compromised because I was riddled with guilt that my workplace was getting more from me than my family. Working for myself allows me to have the work life balance that was missing. Struggles will always be there, but when we’re happy we can manage those struggles with a clearer and more logical approach.
We are Moms. We are thermostats. We can do it all. It just might get reallllly hot or cold while we’re finding the balance.
Life is better when green licorice is involved
For more science on what I’m trying to articulate, read this Today’s Parent article. It’s a great read.
MF
Nicely put Michelle. I know exactly that feeling of being away from your child for eight hours when they’re so young. I love being here for Mary. Your energy amazes me!
Thanks Kathryne!!
Nice to see you today! Opportunities are always around the corner but childhood is over in a moment. Congratulations for making the tough choices. You’ll never regret the time extra time with them.
Always nice seeing you!! Thanks for the feedback, there is no more valuable advice than that from a seasoned and experienced Mom!
MF
So true and raw!
Sometimes the things that we think define us as a woman really don’t matter as much as we think they matter.
I decided I didn’t need to sweep the floor four times a day! So I hired a cleaning lady (Martha you’re amazing! ) …wow. What a difference. I don’t come home from work stressed because my house has to be “perfect”…I can read that extra book to the kids before bed!
Sometimes you have to take the proverbial “bull” by the horns and make a change. I would gladly give up a meal a day if I had to. 🙂
Thanks for sharing, Michelle!
You rock!!!
You are an amazing Mom Tara. It’s so true a housekeeper even once a week was worth sooooo much to me when I was working out of the home! Now I make my munchkins help out!
Being a mom of 4 I can relate to so much of this post. I’ve been home full time ever since my first was born almost 7 years ago. Lately I find myself wondering if I will ever get to go out and have a life for myself, it just doesn’t seem possible (ever). I am a qualified teacher and I would love to have a job for the experience and the (lets be honest) money! I simply don’t have enough to give to both. Kids or job for me. And its kids.
Ya. The elusive MONEY end of being a Mom. It’s not easy, but the older I get the more I realize money and “wealth” is a relative. We are pretty quick to get sucked into the vortex of things that always land up in the landfill anyway!
Thanks for reading Chrisitine and thanks so much for commenting!!!
This is a great article Michelle. I’ve read it over several times, I love the thermostat reference, I don’t think there is a Mom out there who can’t totally relate. ( I am too often the barking, shit loosing Mom) LOL, Thanks for sharing your gift of words I truly enjoy that what you write is always so real with no sugar coating. Keep up the great work.
Oh Ashley!! Thank you so much for taking the time to comment. It really matters. Knowing what people think and what readers like. I am truly grateful! MF
Wow Michelle …Loved this and may I share this with someone I know for sure will help them a lot …even though her situation is a not exactly like yours but I truly believe … this is exactly what she needs to read and practice these very things .I will wait to receive your answer before sharing in private with her OK?
Hugs to a lady who is so special to all those that follow you Michelle .
god Bless and keep you safe 🙂
ALWAYS SHARE BETTY!! Thank you!