Thermostat Mommy

“CLEAN YOUR ROOM.

PUT YOUR BOOTS AWAY.

GET TO BED.

NOT NOW, I’M BUSY!”

That is what stressed out Michelle Ferreri sounds like when she’s barking at her kids. She is the Mom I detest.  I’m an excitable person with high energy, but I’m also calm and logical.  When my first child was born, I was pretty proud to learn I had the makings to be a good Mom.  I listen well.  I’m educated and I explained things so she understood why I expected certain things from her.  I tried to give reasons for my rules. “You can’t have that piece of candy right now. Your tummy and body needs healthy food first.  Then we can have some sweets.”

While I was on maternity leave, I learned that I LOVE being a Mom.  I love having fun, engaging with my kids and rediscovering first experiences through their innocent eyes.  I love being a leader to the people who need me the most.

Then life started to happen.  Fast forward five years and I was a Mom of three beautiful healthy kids. I was working full time while trying to run a household. My patience slowly and surely escaped my hands like sand. I would feel my temper rise when my kids wouldn’t listen.  We moved three times and renovated an entire house from top to bottom while living in it.  The barking Mom was around more and more.

I decided to take a leave of absence from my TV host/producer job.  I didn’t make enough money to balance out the workload. If I was going to work the way I was, and the hours I did, I needed a live in Nanny.  I needed to focus on my kids for the little amount of time I was home, not stress about the laundry, the cleaning, the cooking, and the household duties.

The leave of absence was glorious.  My kids and I had an amazing time and my husband was happier.  I was home full time, which meant the pressure of him having to step up and share the load of maintaining the home was lifted. Both parents can’t be that stressed without it having a negative impact on the kids.  The calm, engaged and reasonable Mom poked her head out again and I saw a big improvement in my kids’ behaviour and listening skills.  I missed the people I worked with, but I knew I couldn’t go back to the hours and demands of live television. I also knew I wanted to work out of the home.

A new opportunity presented itself.  A job with a respected company and a boss who I really admired. After a summer home with the kids, I started a new full time job.  I jumped in with both feet and loved the new challenges.  I worked for a company that specialized in aviation and emergency management training.  It was an incredible opportunity.  New relationships, travel, and experience into the  inner workings of the corporate world. It was good, but something bad was happening.  The barking Mom was slowly surfacing again.  I was working a lot.  I’m a great multi-tasker, but we all have our limits.  When my body was home with the kids, my mind was worried about deadlines, and outstanding projects.  My time with the kids’ homework slipped, my husband had to step up and stretch his precious time even thinner.  Who was winning?  Not me.  Not my kids and not my self employed husband. My middle child was struggling and was miserable.  I spent hours on the phone with the teacher.  He was defiant, anxious and stressed out.  He was picking up on my energy.  I was right back where I was only months ago.  I love working.  I love interacting with people but I love my kids more.

Oprah Winfrey said “You can have it all, just not all at once.”  I truly understand what she meant.  Being a Mother should never stop you from achieving anything.  In fact it should provide you with the strength and clarity to know what you can and can’t do at once. I knew what my priority was and will always be, my family. I made a tough decision and I took the leap.  I walked away from my job.

I’m home now, blogging (thanks for reading) and working from home helping businesses with social media consulting and business development strategies.  Most importantly, I’m home when my kids get off the bus.  I’m mentally here for them.  I’m present, both physically and mentally.

My kittens and I enjoying life

My son who was struggling so much, was a new kid within two days.  TWO DAYS.  I realized, I’m the thermostat for this home.  My mood and stress level sets the tone for everyone who lives with me. When my relationship with my kids or my husband is rocky, everyone suffers.  Patience comes from self awareness and accepting your limitations,  accepting what truly matters.  Accepting that you’re not a failure for not being the best at everything.  I am so grateful for the opportunities I’ve been given.  My struggles make me a better Mom.  Showing my kids that I know how they feel, that I know what it’s like to be sad and stressed builds the trust we need in our relationship.

I’m not saying every day is rosebuds and rainbows.   I still lose my shit on my kids when they don’t listen, but it’s more often for the right reasons.  Parenting means you have to drop the hammer sometimes.  We are not our kids’ friends.  We are their parents.  It’s a full time job.  It’s an important job. I still think many Moms are able to work full time and be the Mom they want to be.  I see many women do it.  My point is, you need to be happy in whatever you are doing to be the parent you want to be.  It’s not about the quantity of time you spend with your kids, it’s about the quality.  The quality for me was compromised because I was riddled with guilt that my workplace was getting more from me than my family.  Working for myself allows me to have the work life balance that was missing.  Struggles will always be there, but when we’re happy we can manage those struggles with a clearer and more logical approach.

We are Moms.  We are thermostats.  We can do it all.   It just might get reallllly hot or cold while we’re finding the balance.

Life is better when green licorice is involved

For more science on what I’m trying to articulate, read this Today’s Parent article. It’s a great read.

MF